Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
