There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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