So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
