u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
