goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
