I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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