I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
