Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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