i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
