420 ftw
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
