I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
