My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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