I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
