What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
