final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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