Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
