he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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