everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
