It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
