the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
