i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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