im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
