How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
