Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
