Actions speak louder than pants.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
