My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
