Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
