I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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