At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
