Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
