like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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