Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
