i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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