Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
