I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
