You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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