she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish my penis had an off switch
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
