I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We just shotgunned beers for America
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
