You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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