in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
