I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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