The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
