I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
