so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
