there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
