last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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