Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
