Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
