So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
