I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
