I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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